Dysfunctional Family Roles
When one or more family members are struggling, regardless of the reason, other members may step into dysfunctional roles as an attempt to rebalance the family. Often times it’s an unconscious attempt to avoid looking at their own difficult experiences and emotions. Dysfunctional family roles can be flexible, meaning that one person may predominately function in one role but can also fill another. It’s also common for patterns similar to their own family of origin to emerge. No family is perfect and roles aren’t permanent, there’s always room for change and growth. The first step to breaking the cycle of dysfunctional family roles is to understand each role and the part it plays in the family unit.
For families with a loved one struggling with a Substance Use Disorder (SUD), daily life can revolve around worry, anger and fear. It often affects the entire family emotionally, physically and mentally. There are 6 roles that commonly emerge when families are dealing with a loved one’s addiction. Can you identify with any of these roles within your own family?
Common Dysfunctional Family Roles:
The Addict:
The Addict, also known as the Identified Patient or IP may be addicted to alcohol drugs and/or behavioral addictions such as work, sex, food, gambling as well as things that change the way they feel. They are the focal point of the family. Family members begin to spend more time and energy helping, enabling, or covering up for them in order to preserve the status quo or create a sense of balance. As the behaviors related to substance use continue, family members may end up taking on more roles without recognizing it. If the dysfunction within the family unit is not acknowledged and addressed, the addict is more likely to continually relapse.
The Enabler:
Also known as the caretaker, they cover for the person with a SUD. The enabler supports the negative behavior of the individual with the SUD by protecting them from the consequences of their actions. They may make excuses for the behaviors, get them out of trouble, and over function. Often times they believe they are helping but in reality, their attempts to shield the addict from consequences can lead to increased dysfunction. It can also decrease the likelihood of the addict seeking help for their addiction because they prevent them from the painful, corrective experience that crisis brings. Many times those consequences and painful experiences are the very things that lead an individual to seek help for their SUD. The Enabler feels like they have to keep the family going. Over and over they take on the addict’s problems and responsibilities. They may begin to lose their sense of self, experience depression or anxiety, and neglect their own well-being.
When children take on the caretaker role, they grow up quickly and miss out on their childhood. They become emotionally mature for their age and act like the adult in the family.
Siblings may look to the caretaker for safety and guidance. Often, the child who assumes the role of caretaker will feel guilty and take the blame for situations where their younger siblings may get punished.
They may even take care of a parent with a SUD, walking them to bed at night or making sure they get up in the morning. These responsibilities may continue for years, causing the caretaker child to feel more like a parent.
Even in adulthood, the caretaker child may find it hard to stop looking after their family members and loved ones.
As adults, they may constantly seek the approval they didn’t receive as a child and feel they must be the responsible one in relationships.
The Hero:
Similar to the caretaker, the hero devotes their time and attention to covering for the addict and maintaining the appearance that the family is “normal”. The hero appears to be a high functioning, well-balanced individual who the family can point to as a solid example that backs up the their façade of doing well. They’re portrayed as over responsible, self sufficient or even a perfectionist and may get the best grades or be the best athlete in the family. They want to project a good image to the outside world and insist that nothing is wrong. However, because they are lying to others, and themselves, they often have their guard up and don’t let anyone get too close.
The Hero:
May take on the role of spouse when one of their parents is physically or emotionally unavailable
May feel immense pressure to carry the family's appearance of success and achievement
May insert themselves to help resolve familial issues
As an adult, the hero may be drawn to relationships where their partner is emotionally unavailable. They may also throw themselves into work and experience difficulty with real intimacy. They often feel as though they cant make mistakes or mess up, because everything would come crashing down if they did.
The Scapegoat:
The scapegoat is the problem child - the opposite of the hero. They do not pretend everything is ok. They often give the family a sense of purpose by providing someone else to blame for their issues, protecting the member with the SUD from much of the resentment and blame. Scapegoats may be seen as rebellious and do things to shock their families, like getting tattoos or piercings, engaging in illicit behaviors, and associating with a negative friend group. The scapegoat receives much of the misplaced blame and are often very aware of their role in the family. They may feel rejected, unlovable, and isolated. They usually have problems with authority figures and struggle dealing with emotional problems. However, they are typically adept at coming up with practical solutions and having their own “street smarts.”
The scapegoat may deal with the detrimental effects of this role throughout adulthood, especially feelings due to growing up isolated, ignored, and blamed.
The Mascot:
The Family Mascot’s goal is to break the tension and lighten the mood. They’re use humor and goofiness to distract from tension, anger, conflict, violence or other unpleasant situations within the family . They may also use humor to communicate and to confront the family dysfunction and emotions, rather than address it directly. When they diffuse the situation successfully, it reinforces the pressure to continue to distract the family from their issues. The mascot:
Interrupts volatile situations with humor
Acts from a place of anxiety and trauma
May experience bouts of depression
As an adult, the mascot may feel drawn to intense and dysfunctional partnerships where they’re able to step into their role to help diffuse conflict. They often continue their codependent role and are typically known to overcompensate in relationships being a really "nice" (i.e. people pleasing, classically codependent) person.
The Lost Child:
The Lost Child is usually known as “the quiet one” or “the dreamer”. They try to escape the family chaos and spend a lot of time alone. The purpose of having a lost child in the family is similar to that of The Hero. Because The Lost Child is rarely in trouble, the family can say, “He’s a good kid. Everything seems fine in his life, so things can’t be too bad in the family.” The lost child:
May be described as a loner
May have difficulty developing social skills and self-esteem
As an adult, the lost child may struggle with friendships and romantic relationships. They may prefer to be alone, as this can feel tied to their emotional and/or physical safety. They often have poor communication skills, difficulties with intimacy and in forming relationships. They deny that they have any feelings and "don't bother getting upset." They deal with reality by withdrawing from it.
Changing the family roles:
It’s important to remember that a change in one person can affect the entire family. Even if the addict or IP gets help, the family may still experience a large amount of dysfunction. By changing their role they throw the family out of their perceived “balance” and into chaos. It’s necessary for family members to understand their dysfunctional dynamics and how they’ve shaped core beliefs and behaviors.
Important steps to processing your emotions around your family and making better choices for your own mental wellness:
Be aware of and able to notice/label dysfunctional behavior
Recognize the stress, anxiety or other symptoms the behaviors causes you.
Take ownership of your own actions, attitudes, beliefs and emotions.
Identify healthy action steps you can take for yourself/
It’s common for the above roles to repeat themselves throughout generations. That means your parents have picked up on cues from their parents, which their parents picked up from their family.
The most powerful tools for breaking dysfunctional patterns is your own awareness and willingness to self-examine and make changes.
Family therapy is an effective way to gain insight and understanding of family dynamics and to begin making positive changes for yourself and your family. At Serenity Behavioral Health our Intensive outpatient and outpatient programs have a strong family therapy component in order to help our clients and their families create long lasting positive changes.
